Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Ugliest Couches. Ever.

Part One!

I have the ugliest couches. Oh wait, you say. How can you have the worst kitchen and the ugliest couches? Aren't you just making yourself a tad too special?

Oh. OH, you say.

The... the print... you manage to stammer.

Okay, okay, I'll stop. I can hear you retching from here. Can't be getting my poor, broke, student behind slammed with cruel and unusual punishment charges.

But the point is this: they're ugly. And I'm stuck with them. I may have mentioned this in the last post, but there is a LOT of my landlord's stuff in this apartment, above couches included. Now, it wasn't so bad when I moved in. There was actually a set of brown microsuede overstuffed couches here then, but somebody accidentally locked one of the barn cats in here for a week while I was gone on vacation (it actually was not me, Mr. Landlord and his family sometimes use my washer and dryer if theirs are acting up) and next thing you know, the bigger couch glows rather brightly under a blacklight. Yes, I say. No! you insist. But yes - barn kitty had used it as his toilet.

I begged for several months to have it removed. I attacked it with pet stench removers and cleaners. Finally, the smell just got bored with hanging around. Life returned to happiness.

Then I came home one day to find THESE monstrosities. We replaced the couches like you wanted! they cheerfully stated. ....Thanks........a lot.....

They smelled like old people.

They ... lurk. Like a decaying pile of overstuffed Navajo poo.

But you already know this.

If they had simply removed it, like I asked, I would have been perfectly happy with one less couch in my rather over-couched living space. Or I could have thrifted a cute little replacement that was NOT overstuffed. Because good lord, if there is something I have realized in my time in the South, it is that I HATE overstuffed furniture.

Ah, the what-ifs in life.

Part Two!

I went to Goodwill the other day. I couldn't help it. The little art store is in the same shopping center and I had to stop by for school supplies, and Goodwill was begging and pleading and threatening to kill itself if I didn't stop in. You know me, it whined, I have books! I relented, not wishing the poor store to do itself in, but didn't find any new books. (Trickster!) I did, however, find a rare collection of textiles. A gallon-sized ziploc bag STUFFED full of colored floss, for which my man's daughters (and my man himself too, shhhhhh) will go crazy for... and fabrics! I guess some crafter had just cleaned out their fabric collection, because there were actually a lot of BIG bundles of fabric. I snagged two wintery fabrics: a grey and white-specked woven of what I'm going to guess is a wool, and a kind of mauve-colored tweed. I was kind of debating about what I'd do with a mauve tweed, but I have this crazy tweed fetish so I grabbed it. I mean, it was a HUGE bundle, and it and the grey were BOTH $3.

Part Three!

Ok, so maybe I need to be a little less obvious so that there can actually be some surprise involved. This is like 1+1=2, isn't it? But even so, I was pleasantly surprised. I mean, I was kind of thinking of upholstering a headboard in the gray, but this looks like a happy home for it in the meanwhile.

It almost looks like jersey from here, but it's not. It's all hairy and stuff, like what I think of wool being. Or maybe the previous owner just used it for a doggy bed. I dunno.

Peskykitty even gives her approval. And no, that's not her real name. She gets called a lot of things. Phoebe... Retard... and before you get upset, let me tell you: I had to tell her to stop chewing on an open container of pins. It's not licking windows, but it's pretty low IQ. I mean, you're a little less likely to stab your brain licking glass.

Not as crazy about the mauve tweed, but I am going to insist on it being an improvement. And I know you're envying my shiny gold map of Middle Earth, but you can't have it. It was totally an awesome present from a friend of mine.

I wish my curtains looked more ... right... in this situation, but they'll get some love later. There may be dropcloth slipcovers in the future for these couches... something that would properly envelope the totality of their awfulness. And I want to find the right warm-colored stripe fabric for the pillow.

There is a plan here. I promise:

Draping the couches in canvas (not worth slipcovering them, since they're not mine, and someday I'll have my own lovely couches that have SHAPE)

Tan and red (like the curtain red) stripe fabric on the body pillow.

PILLOWS in comfy looking colors and textures!

Better wall arrangement.

Basically, I want my scheme to fit the curtains and the rug. I love my curtains :)

Right now Peskykitty is doubling as a laprest for my keyboard. Yep, the name fits.

1 comment:

  1. You made me laugh. I do not usually long posts,but that was funny. Thank you